How Kira Stole Christmas
by Ralthe
Summary: A rendition of Dr. Seuss' "How The Grinch Stole Christmas", wherein Light Yagami concocts a nefarious plan during the holiday season. New Chapter 02/13/10: Green Eggs and Ham parody
1. Chapter 1

Every Crook  
Down in Japan  
Liked Christmas a lot...  
But Light Yagami,  
Who lived just nearby Kanto,  
Did NOT!

Light Yagami hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.  
It could be that his ball-point pen wasn't screwed on quite right.  
It could be, perhaps, that his pride was wound too tight.  
But I think that the most likely reason of all  
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But,  
Whatever the reason,  
His heart or his pride,  
He stood there on Christmas Eve, over lives he'd preside  
Staring down from his home with a mad, deranged grin  
At the thoughts of the deaths that were soon to begin  
For he knew every criminal, murderer, or thief,  
Were busy now, clenching their hearts for relief

"This does nothing to the matter at hand!" he snapped with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"  
Then he growled, his churly fingers nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"  
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the malefactors he'd wish to erase  
Would wake up bright and early. They'd still occupy space!  
And then! Oh, the hope! Oh, the hope! Hope! Hope! Hope!  
That's one thing he hated! The HOPE! HOPE! HOPE! HOPE!

Then the criminals, being ever so bold, would sit down and prepare.  
And they'd steal! And they'd plunder!  
And they'd KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!  
They would harm all in their sight, akin to a beast,

They were pathetic people he wanted deceased!

And THEN

They'd do something he liked least of all!  
Every Outlaw in Japan, the tall and the small,  
Would stand close together, their slaves around staffing  
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And they would start laughing!

They'd laugh! And they'd laugh!  
AND they'd LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH!

And the more Light Yagami thought of himself King Augustus  
The more the he thought, "I must stop this for justice!  
"Why for twenty-three years I've put up with it now!  
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!  
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!  
An awful idea!  
LIGHT YAGAMI  
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Kira snarled, his frown now inert.  
And he made a quick L blue jeans and a t-shirt.  
And he chuckled, and chortled, "A trick almost too effective!"  
"With these jeans and t-shirt I'll be that strange detective!"

"All I need is a minion..."  
Light Yagami looked around.  
But since minions were scarce, there were none to be found.  
Did that stop the God Kira...?  
No! Light Yagami simply said,  
"If I can't find a minion, I'll use Misa instead!"  
So he called Amane Misa. He would use her red eyes  
And with his death note, they would meet their demise!

THEN  
He loaded some bags  
And pens with to excel  
In his broken-down car  
And shoved Misa in as well.

Then Light Yagami said, "Giddyap!"  
And the car started down  
Toward the homes where the crooks  
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.  
All felons committing their sins without care  
When he came to the first complex in the square.  
"This is stop number one," Light Yagami hissed  
And he stormed through the door, with that girl to assist.

Then he ran through the house. Quiet through and through.  
But if Justice needed doing, that's what he would do  
Caught, only but once by man, thought to be mugged

smashed his skull into the fireplace, forcefully slugged  
Where the weapons of murder all hung in a row.  
"These men," he grinned, "are the first ones to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile indeed most dour,  
Around the whole house, destruction by the hour!  
Vases! Family photos! Nutrients! Toys!  
This had to be it, the greatest of ploys!  
And he threw them to the ground. Then Kira, ever so sleek,  
Stuffed the remains, piece by piece, in a creek!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Crook's guns!  
He took rocket launchers! They weighed several tons!  
He cleaned out their storage as quick as a flash.  
Why, Kira even took their last grenades that would smash!

He saw a young lady, her position from breath,  
"And NOW!" grinned Lord Kira, "Another life becomes death!"

And Kira grabbed the corpse, and he started to shove  
When he heard a small sound and the silence thereof.  
He turned around fast, a small boy at the door!  
Small Teru Mikami, who was much more than four!

Kira had been caught by this little boy wonder  
Who'd got out of bed to see Kira's blunder  
He stared at Kira and said, "Weird man, why,  
"Why have you killed my dear mother? WHY?"

But, you know, Light Yagami was so smart and so slick  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
"Why, my black-haired friend," the fake detective spat,

"Your mother was a whore, unrighteous at that

"Had No belief in justice, that woman, the nerve!  
"She received the death she fittingly deserved!"

And his words filled the child with Kira's dark theme  
He cried himself to sleep with an unpeaceful dream  
And when Teru Mikami finally fell asleep,  
He threw the new body on top of the heap!

Then the last thing he did  
Was light the building on fire.  
Kira laughed to himself while he did retire  
On their walls he left nothing but blood, quite prior.  
All their objects would melt  
That he left in the house,  
The new earth scorched with the flames he had dealt

Then  
He did the same thing  
To the other Crook's houses

Leaving crumbs  
Much too small  
For the poor Asian's mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...  
The last door left ajar  
All the Crooks, still a-snooze  
When he packed up his car,  
Packed it up with their bodies! The carcasses! Consistence!  
The life! Just murder! New World Order! Lost existence!

Ten thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Tate,  
The bodies awaited their definite fate!  
"Death to the felons!" he was Kira-ish-ly humming.  
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!  
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two  
"The all the evil of Japan will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned Kira,  
"That I simply must hear!"  
So he paused. And Light Yagami put a hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.  
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!  
Why, this sound sounded merry!  
It couldn't be so!  
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at the city!  
Kira widened his dark eyes!  
Then he shook!  
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Crook down in Japan, the tall and the small,  
Were laughing! Without any crimes at all!  
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!  
IT CAME!  
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Kira, with his death note ice-cold in the snow,  
Stood seething and seething: "How could it be so?  
It came without murder! It came without theft!  
"It came without plundering or of hope bereft!"  
And he seethed for three hours, `till his seether was sore.  
Then Kira thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, wasn't bad at the core.  
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?  
Well...in Japan they say  
That Kira's known rage  
Grew three sizes that day!  
And the minute his anger felt so much more right,  
He whizzed with his book through the bright morning light  
He brought out the crooks! And he started a brawl!  
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!  
Kira slaughtered them all!

Merry Christmas everyone! Or happy holidays/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa, which ever you prefer. Something I put together for the holiday season. Now I can't can't stop trying to rhyme every other sentence, great eh? I sincerely hope I do multiple updates for my other Death Note fics in my two weeks of free time, though something tells me video games may actually pull me away from the computer. Inform me if I'm off with my syllables, it's really quite troublesome doing it all in verse, but fun! Thanks for reading viewers! :)


	2. Chapter 2

"Those Men from Hell"

-a "Green Eggs and Ham" parody

I am L  
I am L  
L I am

That zealous L!  
That zealous L!  
I do not like  
that zealous L!

Do you like  
to kill bad men?

I do not kill them,  
zealous L.  
I do not kill  
those men from hell.

Would you kill them  
here or there?

I would not kill them  
here or there.  
I would not kill them  
anywhere.  
I do not kill  
those men from hell.  
I do not kill them,  
zealous L.

Would you kill them  
in their house?  
Would you kill them  
with their spouse?

I do not kill them  
in their house.  
I do not kill them  
with their spouse.  
I do not kill them  
here or there.  
I do not kill them  
anywhere.  
I do not kill those men from hell.  
I do not kill them, zealous L.

Would you kill them  
with a crate?  
Would you think that

would be great?

Not with a crate  
It's not too great.  
Not in their house.  
Not with their spouse.  
I would not kill them here or there.  
I would not kill them anywhere.  
I would not kill those mean from hell.  
I do not kill them, zealous L.

Would you? Could you?  
At the bar?  
Kill them? Kill them?  
Scum they are.

I would not,  
could not,  
at a bar.

You may Kill them.  
I may see.  
You may Kill them  
out at sea!

I would not, could not out at sea.  
Not at a bar! This is my plea!

I do not kill with them with a crate.  
I would not think that would be great.  
I do not kill them in their house.  
I do not kill them with their spouse.  
I do not kill them here or there.  
I do not kill them anywhere.  
I do not kill those men from hell.  
I do not kill them, zealous L.

A train! A train!  
A train! A train!  
Could you, would you,  
with a train?

Not with a train! Not out at sea!  
Not at a bar! L! Hear my plea!

I would not, could not, with a crate.  
I would not, could not, think it great.  
I will not kill them in their house.  
I will not kill them with their spouse.  
I will not kill them here or there.  
I will not kill them anywhere.  
I do not kill those men from hell.  
I do not kill them, zealous L.

Say!  
In the dark?  
Here in the dark!  
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,  
in the dark.

Would you, could you,  
in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.  
Not in the dark. Not with a train.  
Not at a bar. Not out at sea.  
I do not kill them, L you see.  
Not in their house. Not with a great.  
Not with their spouse. Nowhere near great.  
I will not kill them here or there.  
I do not kill them anywhere!

You do not kill  
those men from hell?

I do not  
kill them,  
zealous L.

Could you, would you  
just to gloat?

I would not,  
could not,  
just to gloat!

Would you, could you,  
on a boat?

I could not, would not, on a boat.  
I will not, will not, just to gloat.  
I will not kill them in the rain.  
I will not kill them with a train.  
Not in the dark! Not out at sea!  
Not at a bar! Listen to me!  
I do not kill them with a grate.  
I do not think that would be great.  
I will not kill them in their house.  
I do not kill them with their spouse.  
I do not kill them here or there.  
I do not kill them ANYWHERE

I do not kill

those men from

hell!

I do not kill them,  
zealous L.

You do not kill them.  
So you state.  
But you hate them!  
You're quite irate  
Kill them as you may, I state.

L!  
If you will let me be,  
I will now tell.  
You will see.

Fool!  
I kill those men from hell!  
I do! I kill them, zealous L!  
And I would kill them with a boat.  
And I would kill them just to gloat!

And I will kill them in the rain.  
And in the dark. And with a train.  
And at a bar. And out at sea.  
They are so bad, so bad, you see!

So I will kill them with a crate.  
And I would think it's pretty great!  
And I will kill them in their house.  
And I will kill them with their spouse.  
And I will kill them here and there.  
Say! I will kill them EVERYWHERE!

I do so kill

those men from hell!

…..  
Damn it!

Damn it!

Fuck you, L!

Basically L interrogating Light until he snaps. Mostly OOC, but when you're working with stanzas and Dr. Seuss, that's a given I suppose. This is probably the weirdest thing I have ever written in my entire life, no doubt, This feels like so much plagiarism lol. Also proof that I'm actually working on fics again haha. Fun to write though, as one reviewer did request it. Thanks for reading everyone!


End file.
